Friday, November 14, 2008

Miller, Dennis (funny) 1988-2001; see also Whore, media (2001-2008)

Inconsequential, unfunny media whore Dennis Miller is at it again, shrilly analyzing liberal women and their hatred of Sarah Palin on the Bill O'Reilly program because he's no longer funny enough to have his own show on the teevee. Since 9-11 Dennis Miller's career has deflated faster than the Pikachu Moonbounce after the principal of Crestwood Elementary School realized that Pikachu actually is female.

I don't want to get off on a rant here, but why the hell is this guy still allowed to speak in public? And what they hell does he know about the sex lives of women, liberal or otherwise? The last time Dennis Miller got laid was in 1998 when playing Princess Lea to the media's Jabba the Hut was still kinda sexy (that was also before the hair plugs). At least he did better on Monday Night Football than Rush Limbaugh, but isn't it a bit of a clue when the people who want to book your appearances on Fox News are also wearing Mongolian Earplugs when talking to you?

Honestly, when was the last time Dennis Miller told a funny joke? After the death of his long-running HBO series, Miller has had at least three failed shows on Fox, not to mention his failure on MNF, and the above example of Epic Fail on the O'Reilly Factor. For God's sake, Bill O'Reilly is funnier than Dennis Miller! Even the Steve Miller Band has had more successful media appearances than doucheburger (2 for $3.33!) Dennis Miller.

And what's all this shit about "liberal women hate Sarah Palin because she has a good sex-life" nonsense? Has Sarah traded BRAD! TODD! for DENNIS! I don't think so. First of all, "DENNIS" has too many syllables to make it a good name to yell whenever things go wrong -- secondly, Palin has enough children with brain damage to have the energy to put up with Miller and his "payattentiontome! payattentiontome!" attitude. Furthermore, as the only person on the planet who actually likes the sound of their own voice more than does Sarah Palin, Miller and Palin wouldn't be able to be in a two-story elevator together much less an informative tryst. Dennis Miller has all the First-Dude potential as Spongebob Squarepants. Look, I grew up watching Dennis Miller Live, but since he's stopped snorting coke like that one psychotic Roomba in the display box at the now-defunct Sharper Image Store, he's about as funny as, well Dennis Miller without the coke. Hon, it was funny in the 80s, but you've carried this trend so long that it's not only died, it's gone through rigor mortis, decomposed (leaving you covered in the stench of your long-dead career), been picked clean by vultures, and the bones are now being housed in the Museum of Weird in Austin, Texas.

Dennis Miller needs to sit back, appreciate the riches he has amassed from his 20-year media-whore-ity and shut the fuck up. It's not like he's had a new opinion since 1988, and he certainly hasn't been able to arrange that opinion into a cogent thought or insightful joke since 2002 -- and what the hell was with that monkey? So it's time, Dennis. You're so far passed done even the people that got all of those obscure references in your rants from the 90s don't even understand your cultural relevance anymore. Kay Chachi?

Then again, that's not just my opinion, and I dare you to prove me wrong.

But thanks for the rant format.


twg said...

Good rant, but I must disagree with one point -- Dennis is a perfect name to yell when things go wrong, see: "Menace, Dennis the."


Ike Clanton said...

Fucking priceless.

willis said...

Nailed it. He hasn't been funny or worth listenting to for ages. Why does he keep showing up.

Ben Varkentine said...

It is increasingly difficult for me to believe that I ever found Dennis Miller funny.

David V Preston said...

I guess its universally agreed. Dennis Miller has "lost the panache" as it were.
Rachel, Good rant... nailed it.