Friday, May 17, 2013
Friday, May 10, 2013
|this is how I'm doing...|
My siblings seem to be in a similar space, though, so I guess that's okay. We haven't really talked about it, just the three of us, but they seem to be in the same headspace that I am over dad's death. Maybe it's because we watched it happen. Maybe it's because between the three of us, someone was there everyday he was in the hospital, and one of us was there the entire three days he was in hospice.
Maybe it's because all of the hurt was taken up by watching him die. God that was terrible. He was in bad shape when I left on Wednesday night, but he got much worse, and didn't even live a full 24 hours after I last saw him. I want to say that his being dead is traumatic for me, but the reality is the dying process was the traumatic part.
Months of chemo.
Continuing to lose weight when all he did was eat.
The cancer spreading in spite of all efforts.
It ate him. Cancer swallowed him up and took him away, and I know I'm not totally numb to it because I'm angry. Why didn't his GP go "hey this is weird" when he lost 70 lbs seemingly over night? Why didn't the stupid surgeon just operate when he said "I can take it out right now if you want", instead of going with the plan which only ended up slowly poisoning him to death? Why didn't any of his doctors listen when he started complaining about abdominal swelling? Why couldn't they do more to help him?
Why wasn't I there more? Why didn't I try harder to make sure all the paperwork was taken care of ahead of time? Why didn't we go camping as a family last summer?
None of these questions can be answered now. There is nothing I can do or say to bring him back, and even if we could, he would still be sick. Maybe I'm not grieving as hard as other people because I came to terms with it while it was happening. Yes it was fast, but I did everything I could and everything he could have asked me to do. I was there. And so were my sibs. We watched it happen, and now that he's not dying anymore, maybe there's comfort in that. I don't know.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
I know you loved me and were proud of me, and I feel very at peace with your death because I know that you are at peace. I know that you get to spend time with your mom and dad and sister; all the people whom you loved who have died, not to mention hanging out with your favorite Beatles. And of course, your faith had you welcomed into the light and love of your savior, a Being who changed your life (and ours), for the better.
Don't tell me it's the same god
Acting like you know what's up
Calling me an artist
Like it's a bad thing
Trying to dismiss my experience of the universe because it isn't "congruent"
With your Borg philosophy
Where everyone has to be the same
Act the same
Believe the same
When you and I both know better
Don't tell me it's the same god
Your god created hell
My god said do unto others
My god said be good to each other
Take care of the sick
Study the book and learn from it
Calling me an artist
Like it's a bad thing
Who do you think you are?
Go on, pray for me
But you'll never pray me out of hell
I've already been there
Thursday, May 2, 2013
|Kachees Campout 2011|
Monday, April 29, 2013
Monday, April 22, 2013
Thursday, April 18, 2013
My dad is in the hospital. He came to the hospital to get some blood cuz his doctors told him he was really anemic but it turns out he's been having some abdominal swelling. Turns out he's got a peritoneal bleed and they're keeping him over night to make sure it goes away and doesn't become more serious. I came down to spend some time with him and to comfort myself...
That was a couple of days ago. I've been trying to go about my life (found my dress for the Dame-Toolmaker wedding; date with Capt Jack), but I've been to the hospital every day since Tuesday. If he isn't discharged tomorrow, I'll probably be back then too.
My routine is the same: come by, stick around for a couple hours (it's hard to stay for more than 2), ask the nurse's station if they will validate me- I mean my parking (the nurses always laugh and tell me I look nice); then I head out to the parking garage and stop to cry on the corner where I know so many have done. I guess I feel some comfort in knowing I am one of a multitude who stop at that corner to breakdown.
The hardest part about all this is not being able to do anything to help except show up. So, having an option, I'm going to exercise it with gusto and commitment, even though it's kinda scary being here and seeing my dad in this condition.
The next worst part: he looks like a skeleton. His once-robust head of hair has been winnowed down to gossamer strands and his beard is shockingly white. I can see his ribs through the skin on his back.
He's not dying right now. It's just an annoying complication of the process of trying to defeat death. When this all started I asked what the survival rate was for this kind of cancer and g-d met me with the answer of "100%". Whatever happens will be what happens, but I'm trusting g-d on this one, even if it takes a while and looks bleak at times.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Monday, April 1, 2013
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Saturday, March 23, 2013
|ERMAGERD! DERPASERUS RERX!|
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
- freedom from criticism
- freedom to remain mediocre
- an easier time dodging the slings and arrows of Outrageous Fortune (which incidentally takes a to-hit impediment of -4 against invisibility)***
- observation without the risk of affecting the subject
- performing nefarious deeds without risking getting caught
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
9. Treat your loved one normally. Aside from watching what you say, please avoid giving your loved one special status because of their eating disorder. This is a form of objectification, and it's hurtful.
10. Be aware of your own needs. This whole process is emotionally costly. If you are taking care of yourself, you'll be able to help your loved one. If you're not taking care of yourself, you run the risk of dumping your emotional garbage on your loved one who is already wading through a swamp of it.
11. Be patient. This journey takes time. Like any kind of success, successfully recovering from an eating disorder looks a lot more like your headphones do when you pull them out of your pocket than a straight line from A to B. "Having symptom slips after a symptom-free period is not unusual and does not mean your loved one is giving up or is back to square one."
And, if you've learned nothing else from me here, when you are helping a loved one recover from an eating disorder:
- Don't make comments on weight, shape or appearance. "Any comments you make about weight, shape, or appearance will probably be interpreted negatively." Even when you're talking about someone else. When in doubt, shut up.
- Don't ignore the problem. Eating disorders won't go away on their own, and most people who have eating disorders aren't going to just change everything about themselves over night with no support.
- Don't blame yourself or your loved one for the eating disorder. Not helpful.
- Don't make demands. Confrontation is likely to cause symptoms to become worse. Also, making demands on someone who is sick is totally a dick move.
- Don't get involved in a power struggle. "If you find yourself in a situation where your loved one is arguing in favor of the eating disorder and you are arguing the other side, disengage and reevaluate."
- Don't take control or police eating or symptoms. Again, dick move.
- Don't rescue your loved one. (See above)
- Don't take on the role of therapist. If your loved one needs therapy, you are not qualified or objective enough to provide it. Help them get professional help, go along with them if they ask (but keep your mouth shut), and make sure they are seeing someone who has a background helping people with eating disorders. That last bit is really important.
Monday, March 4, 2013
"One thing I've learned about breaking is that what is really broken is the old way of doing things. I can't speak for anyone else, but I know that I wasn't happy with the old ways, so their breaking makes room for new ways. You're not broken, the stuff that isn't working for you is what's broken. It's time to find new tools."Sometime after this exchange, my friend's cousin yoinked this quote and attributed it to me in his own status. A friend of his was touched and decided to share it with her teenaged son. My friend's cousin remarked on how far my wisdom traveled, and I mentioned that, considering what I had gone through to achieve this understanding, I was very glad it was resonating with someone else. At that moment, I realized that my reach is much broader than I had previously though and by that my leadership is much greater than I had previously thought.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Saturday, February 16, 2013
If I can overcome an eating disorder, and start loving myself as I am (instead of hating myself for what I look like): I can become a sales director.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
|"[compass 33]" lipstick & eyeliner on mirror|