Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Top 10 worst Halloween treats? Really?

Ed Levine and Erin Zimmer put together this lovely little list that destroys my childhood. Or perhaps I just don't get the real point of Halloween: full-sized chocolate candy bars, giant bags of Skittles, and no candy corn. But I do agree with some of the things they say shouldn't be handed out.

Dentists and orthodontists should not be allowed to celebrate Halloween if they're going to get all tooth doctory on us. Do not bring your work home with you, folks! We all have a personal responsibility to brush, and maybe some of us will forget, but your complimentary bristles on a stick (instead of a Snickers) will not help us remember. It will make us despise you and your trade."

I've always thought that there's something wrong with this debate about whether toothbrushes are a legitimate Halloween treat. First of all, it's kind of condescending for someone to give you a toothbrush -- especially when you're a kid. Our parents bought us toothbrushes when we were kids, it wasn't up to the neighborhood dental specialist to provide those. On the other hand, you are eating a lot of candy on Halloween, so it's nice for them to want to promote the most essential part of our young heaths. Still, toothbrushes aren't cool. Unless they're the cool travel toothbrushes -- those say "go somewhere fun, but don't forget to brush your teeth".

Little boxes of stuck-together shriveled globs are not what little kids schlep around the neighborhood for all night.

Long before "poisoned candy" scares, evil people were handing out apples instead of candy on Halloween. ..."

The reason people hand out fruit on Halloween is just as condescending as the reason dentists hand out toothbrushes: they're "looking out for your health". Except that since the West appropriated the Pagan holiday Samhain, there has been nothing healthy about Halloween. Nothing. Kids wander around in cute costumes getting massive amounts of candy and eating it all in one setting, while adults dress up in slutty costumes and wander around getting massive amounts of alcohol and end up passed out in the bathroom of your best friend's boyfriend's apartment hoping that that creepy guy isn't going to come molest you. Halloween as we outside of the Pagan community know it is not a healthy holiday. And we like it that way.

Some other things that should be verboten for Halloween treats:

Religious Literature
Yes, I know, I have to accept Jesus in order to go to heaven... or something, and yes, I know that by celebrating Halloween I am giving into the Devil's desires for me to have a good time and it makes Jesus cry. Guess what, Church Lady, I don't care. Halloween is for fun, not Jesus and I'm Jewish anyway so I'm already going to hell. Stop trying to push your religion on me.

Bubble Gum
Squares of pink, hardened chemicals that kinda taste like... something do not count as candy. The worst ones are the kind that look like jawbreakers but are really gum. Nasty.

Breath Mints
People who go out and stock up on those LifeSavers mints and try to give them out for Halloween are cheap bastards. Levine and Zimmer get all huffy about Smarties and Necco waffers, but at least those taste like something. Breath mints are not candy, they're breath mints.

Plastic Spider Rings
Biggest. Waste. Ever. Every year you get a plastic spider ring and wear it for the duration of the Trick-or-Treat-ing and then it gets either A)thrown out with the candy wrappers, or B)lost in your room somewhere and you find seven of them three years later and get all flipped out because you think that somehow, they mated.

But for the record, Smarties, Necco waffers, Laffy Taffy, and candy corn are totally awesome. Unless...

"Candy corn Lewis, my mother would tell me, it's corn that tastes like candy. Except it tastes like SHIT!" -- Lewis Black

He makes a pretty compelling point, but the candy-corn pumpkins are still good... except when your drunk friends eat them all.

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