Monday, January 7, 2013

And back to me again

What moose?

Maybe it's just being highly suggestible. Maybe something has actually changed. Maybe I've been working on myself enough and making enough progress, but I feel differently than I did when I started down this road. I suppose I literally am different, but noticing it feels kinda... weird. 

Today I woke up and shortly after waking I felt hungry. I made toast, buttered it, and put it together with two pieces of cheese and a fake-sausage patty. It was. Delicious. And you know what? It was so much more delicious than it would have been if I had eaten it from a place of mechanical eating (where I've been since I've been in recovery); but even more, it was so much more satisfying than any binge.

I'm coming to a place in this journey where I'm allowing myself to enjoy good food (and even bad food!), and I'm enjoying it more because I feel hungry before I eat it! If you've spent your entire life with relatively normal eating habits, you may not realize how monumental this is. Hunger and I are not very well acquainted. I have spent so much time denying my body's needs and desires for sustenance, that the signals stopped being registered by my brain, (except in cases where my blood sugar is dangerously low, then I just start crying and screaming at people). Mechanical eating (having food at specific times each day like... now) has given my body the idea that I can be trusted to care for it properly and so hunger signals are being registered.

But what's most important is that food has never been so enjoyable as when I am responding properly to my body's needs. It's a serious paradigm shift for me, because I actually am starting to feel kinda happy about eating. It's still kind of nerve wracking to eat with other people - present company excepted - but being allowed to enjoy my food is nothing short of life-changing. I don't know what else to say.

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