Tuesday, June 5, 2012

...says the Time Lord

I started getting really excited about stuff about an hour before the transit started (the little black dot is Venus, the giant purple thing is Sol aka the sun), and kinda bounced about doing laundry and various other things for most of the day...

Then it was time for meeting, so I took care of that (after making a delivery to a new client), and made a few calls before going in and sitting down for 2 hours. I realized something, though, because after talking to the first person I called, who is excited about Mary Kay, I didn't want to make any more calls. It was weird. I had a success and I almost sabotaged myself for the rest of the day by refusing to make anymore calls. I felt really weird about it... I mean, I spent most of the day preventing myself from getting anything done (if I was smart I would have done all of my homework BEFORE the transit coverage started, rather than putting everything off so I could watch a black blob slowly cross a red one), so it's no surprise that I attempted to continue this trend, but it really bothered me.

I see this pattern in myself all the time though. Success is followed by resting upon my laurels (and Mary Kay always said "nothing wilts faster than a laurel rested-upon" or something to that effect), which is followed by panic. It's a weird little habit that I really don't understand, and I suppose that I mean to get to the bottom of it so that I can make that not happen anymore... 

I'm doing better. I caught myself last week and said that things aren't going the way I wished them, rather than the way I planned them (because they are going the way I planned them... because I failed to plan until it was too late to earn above a C); I did continue making calls today too. I made at least 5 more, and talked to 3 real people, who had real language barriers with me. The funny thing is, I'm not worried about the rejection, I'm worried about them saying "yeah!" and being excited. And that really frustrates me, because at the same time I get really frustrated when appointments postpone or don't book at all. 

So there's this frenetic battle going on inside me between the part that's frustrated by success and the part that's frustrated by failure. There's a part saying "what am I doing?" and a part saying "why isn't this working?", and a third, rational (ha) part that knows what's going on and knows what's supposed to happen and where I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to be doing and it says "why are you guys fighting? shut up already". That third voice is getting stronger, which is a good thing, but I'm still baffled by the fear-of-success voice. 

I tried, once, to work out the fear-of-success thing with a life coach, who wanted me to call a WAAAAAHmbulance. Thinking back, that should have been my last session with that coach, because this is still an issue I need to work out, and I don't really have much guidance on it. I get that life is supposed to be messy, and I get that my thoughts create my future, and so I think about the good stuff all of the time and create away... then I get into situations where I HAVE EXACTLY WHAT I GAVE MYSELF IN MY IMAGINATION (my life right now looks a lot like the fantasy life I dreamed of when I was 17), and freak out about it.

It blows my mind how incredibly powerful I have made myself - and I really have, no one gave me this gift, I learned how to manifest my dreams myself. My mom told me once that I did everything to get myself into art school, and I KNOW that wasn't the first time I manifested something I wanted. Knowing, really knowing in the depths of you that you have the power to create anything you want is kind of paralyzing. I don't think I know anyone who really gets that...

So, maybe that's the fear. Not what I can't do, but what I can. Not that I am weak, but like that quote which is often mis-attributed to Nelson Mandela, that I am powerful beyond measure. But impatient. And "urgent for a finish lie-ee-yii-eye-eee-ine". Perhaps this fear is that it will all be taken away after I create it (that's some deep damage right there), so by throwing it away at least I lose it on my own terms. I really don't know. 

In the meantime, I'm taking action. I'm living, or trying to live, from a place of service, creating a better life as I go and trying to remind myself that what is in the past is still mine and that I own that past. I'm trying to teach myself to accept that I this power I have is immense but not immediate.

"Everything takes time..."
"Says the Time Lord"
Shit. I did say that, didn't I?

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