Saturday, April 6, 2013

Things I'm doing differently

I refuse to wear Spanx ever again. Never mind that they're hideously uncomfortable, and make me sweat like a guilty person in a courtroom (and do that window-shade thing where they roll down my back unless tucked under the band of my bra because my ribcage is so tiny). They don't make you look thinner. They just move the fat around so it's more evenly spread out which eliminates your curves. All so-called "shape wear" does that and it's a travesty. Also, wearing Spanx or any of their related garments negates the ability to wear sexy panties, which is also completely unacceptable.
I don't weigh myself anymore. I don't want to know. Partly this is because I'm scared that I've gained so much weight that I would freak the fuck out and hide in a closet for a week without eating. Aside from that, I've realized it's unimportant.
I have unfriended people on Facebook who regularly fat-shame others. It's unacceptable. Often these people will use "science" to justify their bigotry, but it's still straight-up bullshit. My health is between me and my doctor, and you get to know jack shit about it by looking at me. Funny thing is, I "don't look sick" when my fibro is acting up, but when I'm just being fat I do. Weird. Also, fuck you.
I like being touched by my partners. I pay more attention to the enjoyment of my form and it is wonderful. I still have a moderate fear of being touched by people I'm not intimate with, but that's partly because my nerves are frequently raw and it hurts to be touched. However, hugs from close friends and family are more welcome than they used to be.
When I don't eat, I feel really sick. Yesterday's flare was made infinitely worse by the fact that not only did I not have an appetite, but the thought of eating made me feel like I was going to throw up. The flare comes with pain, fatigue, and this weird brain fog, but I felt a million times worse because I had no fuel in my body. I've been feeding myself regularly for several months now, and the effects of not being able to eat are a lot different than they were when I was intentionally starving myself or restricting calories.
I experience fullness and listen to those messages. On Wednesday night Captain Jack and I went to my favorite restaurant for pizza! Yay pizza! It used to be I would eat the entire thing (or more than half, even after the gluten free cheese sticks I ordered), and feel horrible afterward. This time, I had my cheese sticks, and felt full after 1.5 pieces of pizza. I saved the rest for lunch the next day. It was nice to be able to get along with my body like that.
I avoid the words "should", primarily as related to food but also in general conversation. "Should" and "need" are subtle shaming words, and when I tell myself I "should" eat some vegetables, I am shaming myself for not. I still have a lot of toxicity to filter out of my brain and body because of my disordered eating, and that will repair on its own as long as I keep listening to my body and treating it well.
When I feel hungry I say "I'm hungry" and find food, instead of ignoring the signals because "I have better things to do" than eat; and I definitely don't consider it a trophy any more. It used to be that hunger pangs made me feel skinny. I have recognized that I am not skinny or going to be, and that those signals are my body asking for something. I want to keep trusting myself so I heed those warnings.
Relatedly, when I have a desire for a certain flavor or food, I find a way to have that food. The other night I wanted orange soda. So I had one. It was yummy, and I only wanted one soda (instead of several like I would have in the past). Sometimes I want a specific kind of cheese, or some sweets, or even a specific meat or veggie. I have them, enjoy meeting that desire and don't feel the need to over indulge because the only foods that are forbidden now are the ones that make me feel bad (like anything with gluten).
I'm sure there are some other things that have changed, but this is a good start. There are times when I wish that I could tell other people to stop saying things about their weight or shape. It bothers me, it triggers me when people throw this kind of stuff around because they don't even know how horrible it is, or what it means when they say these things. But some people will never understand, and some people will never give up their hate and fear of fat.
For now, I'm able to close my eyes and go somewhere else, and that's what I do. I don't like it, but I have some serious NRE to fall back on when I need a boost to my smile...

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