Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Ow, fuck

So here's the complete picture of how hard it sucks to be me some times:
I have a genetic autoimmune disorder that causes my body to literally murder my small intestine even if I have a tiny teeny teeny tiny little bit of a substance that is in ALL FOOD EVERYWHERE (even the food that says it's gluten free) except produce, much of which I'm sensitive to because of the damage done to my intestines by years of eating gluten and not knowing it was causing serious problems.
This in turn causes widespread, unpredictable, gnawing, aching pain that most of the time is merely annoying, but, like daily exposure to Zooey Deschanel, a person tends to go mad after a while. Sometimes, though, I just have pain for no reason. Sometimes I have little itchy bits of skin on my ankles or knees. Sometimes, it feels like the skin on my back is on fire, or (like right now) like my knee is coming apart or my hip is out of socket, when neither of these things are happening. My current state is significantly more annoying that the girl who broke Joseph Gordon-Levitt's heart in that movie I never saw, but the worst part is that all I can fucking do is wait for it to stop hurting.
Now, since eating = pain, you can probably guess where the obsession with not eating came from. While it was bolstered by cultural obsession with thinness, and my mother's own suffering at the hands of a similar demon, the struggle that I have had with my eating disorder in the last few years has been related to the whole eating = pain dilemma. This also means that there is a simple, straight forward answer that helps me (most of the time) to feel better: a mindful, careful diet, that involves avoiding foods that make me feel like shit while also avoiding the incorporation of emotional stigma associated with foods that don't make me feel like shit.
But, I sometimes get stuck in a pain cycle that is hard to break because of how it interrupts my sleep, thereby disrupting my brain's ability to break the pain cycle. An uninterrupted pain cycle will see an escalation in pain and sensitivity to any sensation, sometimes rendering all sensation as painful. It makes me irritable, ruins my appetite, dulls my senses, and makes my brain go
And that's not an easy thing to deal with as someone who is exceedingly intellectual. Funnily enough, my friends will sometimes ask how I deal with it without becoming a complete emotional wreck... I couldn't explain it if I tried. All I know is that smiling makes me happy, and happiness makes it easier to ignore my pain... although, I have days when it's just too much and all I can do is cuddle up with Derp, Markfrog, Stewart, and anyone else who'll join me and watch internet until I fall asleep from exhaustion.
Tonight will be the 5th night in a row that I do that.

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